When do we ‘fall’ in Love?
When we meet the ‘right’ person!!!
Who is the ‘right’ person!!!
What is love?
Often times when you ask someone, “why do you love that person”? The answer comes, “because..”. There seems always some reason, purpose, agenda or whatever attached to this love. There are some qualities about the other person that one is attracted to and want to have and enjoy for a long time. From this love, a relationship is built up and thereafter leading to marriage or a partnership or whatever or nothing.
What are the qualities of character or personality that we seek in the other?
They are varied and each of us will have different ideas as to what each would consider acceptable, likable and lovable.
We could list here a number of qualities most of us would accept as acceptable:
- caring
- kind
- generous
- considerate
- giving
- nurturing
- responsible
- clean/hygienic
- pretty/handsome/sexy
and we can go on adding to this list..
We forget that we are constantly living in a state of flux and change. Internal and external factors are constantly causing us, to knowingly or unknowingly, change and this affects our so-called qualities of character or personalities. One moment we could be considerate and caring but due to some factors this can very quickly change to frustration and anger. Though some of these changes can be temporary but when the factors that cause the change in the first place do not shift or change, then these qualities would remain for much longer periods.
Let’s presume we each seek 20 qualities in the other before we would consider that person worthy of ‘falling in love’ with. Often times it is almost impossible to find anyone with so many qualities all at one time but there are and there would surely be. At the same time we hear from friends or relatives, that they met so and so and have become mesmerized or enthralled by them. This is because they have experienced or grasped some of the qualities they consider worthy in that person immediately on the first meeting. It may just be, say five of the 20 qualities they seek in the other. But those five qualities being experienced at one time or moment makes the other spellbound and captivated. They get excited and make efforts to meet that person again and again until a relationship is developed which may end in marriage or whatever.
We need to bear in mind firstly the relationship is based on qualities that can change temporarily or for much longer periods. Secondly the relationship is based on only experiencing very few of those qualities they seek in the other, five out of 20!
What usually happens in a short while is that the few positive qualities begin to change and may take on other negative qualities. These negative and positive qualities are based on individual preferences. There will then arise frustration, tension and even anger. Those five qualities that so attracted the one in the first place are no longer there and this would lead the other to feel ‘cheated’ or ‘tricked’. Resentment and bitterness will then follow. Frequent fights arises and ‘love flies out the window’!!!!
Often time the other who has supposedly changed may not even be aware of these changes. This is the very sad situation. The one that has felt cheated may begin to look out for qualities in others that the first one seemingly has lost. Some of them may not even be aware that they are looking out for others with those ‘missing qualities’. They would in time surely find someone who would display another five qualities that the first one did not possess and again the excitement and etc arises. The resentment and anger towards the first one would inadvertently lead to separation and divorce.
It would not be long before the very same experiences will start again and then another divorce and another seeking…..For how long is this going to go on??? We see marriages take place in a very grand manner and in a few months or years they no longer are married.
The fundamental reasons for this are;
1. Seeking something permanent in someone who is living in an impermanent world, who are themselves impermanent?
2. Expecting something to remain unchanged in a world that is constantly influenced by internal and external factors that causes and forces change.
How to get out of this vicious cycle of marriage and divorce and etc.?
1. Accepting the existing qualities in each of us and helping and nurturing the other to develop qualities that may not be there in that person in the first place.
2. Accepting that changes in all of us, for the better or the worse, are highly possible.
3. Accepting that we may not be able to control those internal and external factors that cause these changes.
4. Accepting what you cannot find in one may not be found in the next one either.
What is Love?
‘Love is God’ and ‘God is Love’, (anbe sivam) according to our tradition.
